future in my hand

 

Wall Street ended another crappy and panic week with the meltdown of U.S. No.4 investment bank Lehman Brothers.

The endgame plays out for Lehman...it's somewhat expected, but still more than tragic. Everybody knows that Lehman, as one of the best bulge bracket firms, had a great reputation in fixed income and underwriting of mortgage-backed and other high risk-profile securities. Lehman's long-standing CEO Fulk was the ever-victorious veteran...building his firm into a global powerhouse.

Lehman's stock price retreated by more than 97% from its 52-week high, and it's still losing ground after the extended trading on Friday afternoon. We are all seeing it say farewell to the street and its shaky balance sheet is like an insult to its elegant history. Every single piece of Lehman's valuable assets is being split up and taken care of by predators like Barclays and BofA...while the troublesome MBS is thrown away at the price of several pennies per dollar...

Actually I don't quite understand that why people here always need to find a scapegoat to take the blame for others' fault...first Bear Stearns and now Lehman...who is the next?

Credit Default Swap of Merrill Lynch is widening Friday, shooting its record-high at 450-500 level. Merrill is the No.3 after Goldman and Morgan...and God knows whether it's too big to fall at the end of the day.

Tears and resumes are now everywhere...it all comes back to fighting against us survivors...

Fannie and Freddie are in conservatorship, and Lehman's probably gone over this weekend...maybe it sounds too weak to cross the fingers and pray, but I still believe that it will turn around and those who work hard will get their payback after the crisis is over.

以前很多次去Times Square都没有去关注Lehman的headquarter...今天晚上去看下吧 再照些pic...不然 以后 真的没有机会了~~~唉~~~

Lawrence J
New York City

 

这周是正式在trading desk上面的第一周   从来没有感觉过这么大的压力 to be honest...

There are so many things to do...it's so overwhelming and most of time, you know you are not good enough to handle it, but still need to get it done...就像是   地狱无门也要闯的感觉~

Hull's book needs to be revisited...now I am like a stupid kid sitting on a hot spot...知识阿 知识阿 知识就是力量   我需要力量

现在生活完全“规律”了......早上不到六点起床 晚上12点回家   中间经常要totally dedicated到连吃饭时间都没有，连上厕所都要跑着......you know, it's pretty tough, at least for the first couple of months...一点懒都不能偷了...至少从早上到晚上9点，我是没有偷偷爬上baidu的机会了~~~~

But on the other hand, this is such a valuable chance for me to learn all kinds of stuffs on the trading floor. 你没有经历过 永远无法知道这个历程有多艰辛~~~

其实这次多少有点像我在清华时候的那篇帖子，引起好多评论......但是基本上没有人会真的体会到其中不易，again because you don't know how it feels and what you can achieve, unless it once happened to you~

所以我要坚持   把握这种非常非常难得的机会~~~just learn whatever I need to learn, and in the near future, I will become more competitive.

不过呢 也因此感到更孤独吧 给爸爸妈妈打电话 已经不愿意多解释这些金融产品了   和朋友打电话   也没有力气去说明情况了   现在只剩下我自己 能够了解我自己了

其实对于baidu space...我不知道   10年以后 看以前这些文章 到底会是怎么样的感觉   曾经哭过笑过   彷徨失落过    对待每一段旅程，还是心里觉得认认真真的 I still believe it...still have a little faith, as I used to do.

Like what Hannah Montana said, true friends will go to the end of the earth and find the things you need. Just like another day, it will be someone who really understands.

Smiles,
L.J.
5pm Sat. NYC

 

I have been fighting for the trading positions for 4 weeks......busy to death...but actually the personal attacks, dirty words, jargons, politics, tricky back-and-forth discussions...all these stuffs torture me more than long hours and competitions...

Altogether I have talked to more than 80 traders...each one of them interviewed me carefully. I have rotated to:

Emerging Market Structured Credit, Stat Arb, Equity Derivative Structured Trading, FX Option Trading, Equity Derivative Quantitative Analytics, Non Agency Mortgage Trading, CMBS Trading, FI Relative Value Trading, Risk Treasury, Interest Rate Long Volatility and Short-term Vol, Muni Structured Trading, Rate Structuring and Exotic Trading, FI Derivative Hybrid Trading, Equity Cash Trading and Equity Sales AsiaPac.

Actually I have almost decided to join Interest Rate Structuring and Exotic Vol Trading desk...there are lots of things to learn about the interest rate model on top of the traditional Black-Scholes model, and there are various products like range accrual, bermudan option, binary option, leveraged steepener etc. All these financial instruments are customerized and sale-oriented. Secondary trading has relatively smaller size, but we have quite good flows. In terms of learning hedging, pricing, and managing P&L, the exposure is very good. Other than that, there are lots of opportunities to interact with lont-term/short-term vol desks and deal with sales force and clients.

I feel like I am more aware of my weakness after all the judgments made by traders. I did have a very tough time because my background is in research, 5 publications, 2 patents, 3-year in college and 1-year in graduate school, pretty much in every step I am top one in my class. But the thing is, trader is looking at totally different prospective. Whether you are aggressive, outgoing and social enough to interact with people, how smart and how sharp you are...

Let's take a simple example...traders can ask you something like: if you do a 2-yr swap and receive the fixed rate, are you long the market or short the market? You have to answer this in 1 sec. It's long the market. Because when bond market rallies, swap rate is down, together with the yield curve decrease...so you are receiving a higher-than-market rate, and that's an advantage you want to take. Then they will ask you, how to use this to hedge? Well...this is easy right? This is to hedge the market exposure to interest rate risk...you can use interest rate swaps and do delta hedging when buy the mortgages, and use credit default swap to strip out the credit risk exposure.

All these questions are not like deriving B-S partial differential equation on paper, given certain boundary conditions...it's more like your first-time reaction when market moves...on the buy side, they may care more about how you really take long-term prospective...think about the portfolio managers in those funds...you got the idea~

Anyway, when it is all settle down, a brand-new chapter is open, and again I will throw my full attention to extending my knowledge and strengthening my skill sets.

Future is in my hand, and the confidence I have in myself can drive me further to achieve my goals. Given all the difficulties and disadvantages, I need to push myself harder, and embrace the truth...will figure it out......

Lawrence

这一段旅途, 没有结束, 不能重复......

 

这段时间事情很多，心里上，现实的，国内的，美国的。很多事情我愿意去幻想，去希望自己的愿望能够成真，希望别人能够真的明白，也许结果，多半不是我想的那样。也许这样的付出，没有任何结局~ 不过，看着别人的幸福，也就是自己的幸福，很多要守住的，我真的不想放，这，难道也算错么。

 

我要学着去面对，面对很多悲哀的现实，我要在悲哀中继续努力，因为超越华尔街之上，依然有更大的空间和天地，都在等着我。

 

以前说过“从高中开始就给自己戴上枷锁”的话，现在想想，如果真的解开枷锁，自己会不知道该怎么办。愿意放弃一切陪着一个人么？会不会惹人烦呢？所以要面对，面对苦难的心情。面对孤独~~~

 

现在拥有的，已经是很多同龄人不能达到的了，其实一开始注定了，我要选择不一样的路。可以说我高中联赛没有比好，没有拿到金牌，可以说我跳级第一没有意义，过分功利，但是我还是会选择把握，把握未来，还有你~~~不知道命运会把我带到什么地方，但是我会一直用善良维护左右。

 

前段时间美国复活节，在曼哈顿照的一些照片，show下看看~~~

 

 

 

在57街附近的midtown 建筑前~

 

 

 

在Macy血拼时候~

 

很喜欢Declan Garbraith的the love of my life...伤，今天夜里在花旗27层auditorium落地窗边座了好久，只有我一个人，看曼哈顿的夜色，还可以想到远方发生的事~~~

 

看书去了，要考试了，今后要忙了~~~越来越忙...

 

加祺

3:40AM

 

I decided to move on, with huge pains inside of me......

 

I guess it's always fair as I got so much by sacrificing many others......if it's hard to know about something, probably the best thing to do is to turn around, or just skip it, simply put.

 

I keep questioning myself about whether I am a strong person or not...probably not at this point. I feel like my whole body is falling apart, every single piece of it, and furthermore, it's ironic to care about people who don't even know me personally...that's just as stupid as throwing a dice without even thinking about its trajectory. After all, that's me, another me.

 

There is no way to do something to feel better, but again it's still fortunate that my workstyle is so crazy that I don't have lots of time to feel desperate. This business is messy enough and we all know what happened to Bear Stearns today...that's crazy!!!!

 

God knows what is gonna happen to the street~~~again I can't do much about it......I can only follow the rules but try to learn as much as I can.

 

Future in my hand, and I am still here for you.

 

Lawrence Jin

 

This is a note to myself, and hopefully this can remind me whenever I feel tired of what I am doing.

 

Jiaqi,

 

I understand that you have been working at these crazy hours for a long long time, and you look forward to any kind of break you deserve. But, there is a 'but'. You got to know that you are part of the wall street factory now. This is wall street, and it's all about timing and competitions. There are the smartest people in this planet around you, and there are always people better than you for sure, BUT you got to beat them at some point, otherwise you'll be out of the loop.

 

Concentrating on what you are doing is the No.1 important thing. You have to be focused, and you have to know what type of skillsets you have or potentially have that can be better off than others. You can't let those emotional stuffs control you. Come on, you are not a 3-yr-old Chinese kid who doesn't know his future. I am pretty sure that you clearly know, if nothing else, the several following steps you are gonna take which can lead you to success. This is a game and tons of thousands of players are in it. You need to be very cautious about the mistakes you made, and learn as much as possible from them.

 

However, there are many things that you can't control. If you lose a fight, just forget about it, move on to another game. Keep working, don't think too much about the bad outputs you have. Be result-driven, and be upbeat and optimistic about your future. All you can do is all you can do. Some tricky parts needs to be figured out, but it surely takes time to learn more about the system.

 

You got to be more pro-active in the sense of fooling around and grabbing something different from other people. You have to adjust yourself in this fast-pace mult-variant environments. Your way of thinking needs to be improved as well, as you need to put yourself in others' shoes and reverse back to dwell on their thoughts. Besides, you really need to feel confident about yourself. Be determined and try to make decisions faster. Nothing is guaranteed, so you need to allow yourself to project something wrong.

 

Remember, at last, that you want to make a difference. You are not willing to do something really trivial. That's why you are here, and that's why you need to be a better you. All the opportunities are in front of you, just watch carefully, and catch them.

 

Best of luck,

Jiaqi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

又是一个很深很深的夜，凌晨4：19AM，我不知道为什么，还是在这里，其实什么也没有做，其实我明白为什么吧=)

 

想着前面的路，真的好头疼阿，生活，什么时候才能想我想象中的方向变得好一点呢？我知道这个问题没有答案，现在还没有。

 

以前学的很多东西，可能已经还给老师了吧，把糟粕剩下来给自己了。也许我多愁善感，也许命运本是如此安排。我在心里叠千纸鹤，一年一年，不会停下来的。

 

纽约和北京，half a world away...想起漂浮地铁了. 我宁愿在梦里，不要醒来。

 

我要自己更强，会更强，但是也许只是因为爱吧，那本不是一个谁强谁弱的游戏。

 

音乐停下来，你将离场，我也只能这样。

 

Lawrence

 

最近看了一些不一样的东西，也开始喜欢起DJ Mangoo的音乐来了，其中Freedom和EruoDancer两首是我的最爱。昨天把youtube上面一个一直关注的片子30个piece拼起来看完了，电影悲剧结局，我的人生可能一样也会如此。

 

周五晚上和London来的Sibo在时代过场吃了Italian food，然后看了那个很有名很有名的Cloverfield....shocked......这把我吓的，惊悚阿。看了影评，说是 Cloverfield very much speaks to the fear and anxieties of our time, how we live our lives. 说的很对。

 

花舞の街，我只有流浪。永恒的彼岸，只能存在心里，因为那永远是彼岸，永远不能到达的地方。

 

明天是总统日，可能会出去转转。这个世界很少我会关心的，觉得现在自己已经冷漠到像冰石一样。无奈旋舞渗透，热情退色。多少年后，人们将不再记得，那个在九小爬校门的金加祺，那个在四小跳双摇的小孩，那个在五中唯我向上的人，和在清华打破陈规的记忆。维护自我，已经是习惯，渐行渐远，彼岸还是彼岸。

 

Mid-term review出来，说我有tremendous work ethics,其实不是，只是不得而已，为补残局，就像以前常说的那样。

 

加油，你能行的，不是么~-~ Every single chance, is the future in my hand~~~~

 

Lawrence

 

 

 

其实每天我都会来自己的blog上面看看，可能关心别人的space越来越少了，不过对自己这个future in my hand,我还是不能忘记。

 

其实每天都想写点什么，不过其实是太多的事情和情感交杂，让人无从说起，或者说是，很多事情，倾诉与深藏，本来也都无济于事的。

 

很多人我认识，很多人认识我，不过可以很明显的感觉的，今此一生，到目前为止，没有一个人，可以算是真的好朋友。太多人只是一面之缘，太多人不能了解，太多人不想去了解，太多人没有机会去认识了解，所以我选择这样，听着歌曲一首一首，看着身边一幕一幕。

 

以前写过一篇《从跳级在清华到华尔街的随机游走》，里面只是记录了我从小到大，清华，加州理工，Yahoo!, Wall Street ~Citigroup的点点滴滴，本来总想贴出来却一直并不好意思，现在看来已经似是而非，不觉很伤心Yahoo如今惨痛结局，虽然Microsoft的hostile bid并不一定成型，但是我所看到的yodel时代，早已随着google的崛起而不复存在。可悲的是，Citi今次在MBS上的损失，让这个No.1 U.S. Bank市场价值一年之内跌掉60%. 如此如此，不得不去面对，就像edison也说过一样：this is not a game, this is my life.

 

纽约，曼哈顿，有很多时候，觉得好像一个大监狱，把我一直关着，不过跳出去，依然是围城，因为我的心，早已经被一层一层一层围起来，没有机会，去看真正的情感和快乐。暹罗广场，那句让人一生不忘的台词：I can't be your boyfriend, but it doesn't mean that I don't love you~是的是的，世界的每一个角落里，都有在闪光，因为爱，各种各样的感情。

 

每次都穿的很整齐，戴上我喜欢的太阳镜，微笑在纽约街头行走，但是心里却总是相反，并没有头绪，不同的声音在心里，没有决意的局。

 

上天也许你能听到，也许你也会为我忧愁，不知道什么时候，可以拨云见日，什么时候，能够大哭，也能大笑。在考虑Florida或者Hawaii的short trip,不过多半也会因为时间，或者精神上的惫态而不了了之。今后，希望别人明白，我不要在做一个貌似懂得更多的人，而是一个懂得真心，珍惜与被珍惜的朋友。

 

Lawrence